He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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