I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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