I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
