I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
