I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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