Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
