yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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