I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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