What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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