Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You ruined the universe
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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