The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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