She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
