Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
