Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
