overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
