the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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