i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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