The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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