I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize