I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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