I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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