Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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