Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
