why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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