i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
