oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
