Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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