I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
