the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
