before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
