why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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