K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
this beer tastes like vomit already
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
