Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize