hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
