hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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