I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
