the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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