My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
