In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
