I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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