You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
