Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
