My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I didn't notice because vodka
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
