Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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