After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize