My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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