he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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