i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
