I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
