It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
