sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
