Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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