Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
