I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
