god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
