the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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