Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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