My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
