i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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