proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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