I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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