i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
