Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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