just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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