it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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