i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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